the construction zone

Last month I cried over the death of someone I knew only slightly and having to say goodbye to my English students and a new baby-friend spending his first days in the NICU instead of his mamma's arms. 
Last week it was because both my beloved brothers were sad and the fact I wasn't at my nephew's hard-won high school graduation and that I had to skype-hug rather than really-hug my niece. 
Then it was because Terry filled the bird feeders and Emily finished all the at-home duties we usually share and someone forgave me, quite undeservedly. 
Next it was because there doesn't seem to be any way I can meet the expectations of someone I love. 
Then there was David Taylor's blog post on friendship with a capital F. 
And yesterday it cost way too much money to ship a box of warm clothes, books and favorite snacks to Africa.
Today it was in the market's produce section because there were these gorgeous artichokes that Stephen isn't here to eat with us.

My heart feels these days like it feels when I just (dang it) go ahead and let it...under construction once again. The cords are stretching and groaning with...whatever is coming next, I feel it.


I think I like this feeling, despite all the inconvenient leaking of tears. I think I am going to try and stay in the construction zone as long as I can stand it.


I think having family is worth the pain and joy that comes with them. I think having students to drive you crazy and to love is worth the trouble. I think having friends with high expectations is better than having friends who don't. I think having smart, thoughtful, feeling, creative friends and babies who live anywhere is an enormous gift. I think I'd rather learn and stretch and grow than not. 


So, when you see me in your minds' eye with those orange cones surrounding me, it doesn't mean 'stay away' it means 'this is where it's happening, come on in!' 


Just bring some kleenex with you.